I met my abuser when I was 19. We had gone to high school together, but I never knew who he was or had ever spoken to him. He added me on Facebook randomly and hit on me with a cheesy pick up line and our friendship began. We eventually began dating, but after only a short time, I noticed red flags and tried to break up with him. He begged for me back and was so over the top that I fell for it and we continued dating.
Things moved pretty quickly after that, we moved in together and so began my downward spiral. I stopped hanging out with friends and quit going to the gym. He wasn’t violent at first, but he was controlling and manipulative. Eventually we moved to Springfield from our hometown and things got worse. I frequently thought about ending things, but I ended up pregnant, which for me meant I needed to stay.
When I told him I was pregnant, all hell broke loose. He cried and never seemed excited about the baby. My pregnancy was the catalyst for the abuse to begin. It started off as verbal, him saying things like, “I wish you would drive off a cliff and die.” He constantly called me names and would put me down. When I was about 8 months pregnant, he was physically violent for the first time. He had kept me from leaving while we had fought in the past, but had never struck me. We were visiting his family and everyone decided to go to the bar and get drunk. He and I had not been arguing that day and I went along to be the sober driver. He did shot after shot, until he was extremely drunk. I told him I wanted to leave, but he wanted to stay. I turned to walk away and he yanked my backward by my hair. I left the bar crying and walked my pregnant self to a friend’s house. All of my stuff was at his grandparent’s house so I asked her to drive me there to get it. He was there and came out with a fury. He jumped on her car and bent her hood. I tried to walk past him and he put me in a chokehold. His uncle, father, and grandfather came out to get him off me. He beat the hell out of them trying to get to me. I ran inside, grabbed my stuff, and left. While I was there, his grandma informed that the incident was all my fault and I shouldn’t have provoked him. That was the first time I felt like the abuse was my fault, but it certainly wouldn’t be the last.
Over the next five years and 3 kids, there was so much abuse. He verbally, mentally, physically, and sexually abused me. He verbally, mentally, and physically abused our children. I left many times and came back just as many. In the beginning it was out of guilt, but by the end it was out of fear. He went from telling me how much he loved me to bring me back, to threatening to kill me and take my children from me if I didn’t come back.
In March of 2017, he beat our oldest son while I was at work. My son had gotten out of bed after his father had put them to sleep. He fractured my son’s arm and covered him in bruises from his face down to his legs. I have no idea how many times he hit my child that night. When I got off work that evening, he said that he had spanked our son and might have hit him too hard. I was scared for my child, but knew if I went in to check on him that it would start a fight between us, which would subject my kids to seeing their dad throw me against the wall again, or worse. The next morning I woke up my oldest son to get him dressed for the babysitter. I saw the bruises. I broke down and was so angry. I got my other two kids dressed and confronted their dad. He apologized and hugged our son, apologizing to him. I had never hated the father of my children so much until that moment. I knew he would never change and I knew he would always be a monster.
I took the kids to the sitter and went to class. I knew we would never go back to their father. I knew that was it. I couldn’t miss my lab that morning, but I cancelled my meeting with my therapist. He asked why and I said there was an incident involving the kids. He hot-lined me while I was in lab. CPS was involved and a police report was filed. The next day, CPS took custody of my children and they moved in with a friend of mine. I was devastated.
I was talked into going to Harmony House for my safety. I was terrified of going, I avoided going until the last minute. I hated it at first and did everything I could to avoid being in the shelter. Slowly, I started going to the classes they offered for the residents and opened up to some of the staff. My case manager was extremely caring and always made me feel like I could be honest without her judgment. Eventually I opened up to other members of the staff. I was extremely lucky and was given the privilege of working with an outreach case manager even though I was still a resident. I stayed there for about 6 months and those 6 months saved my life. The staff was there for me at my lowest points and were always there to remind that I was a survivor, not a victim. I can never thank them enough for their kindness in my darkest hours.
Today, I am living alone, still working with my case manager. I still have a restraining order against my abuser and have had no contact with him. I would never go back. My children are still placed with my friends, but I have been given overnight visits and permissive placement is on the table. I can honestly say that without Harmony House, I would not be the person I am today and I would not be in this place in my journey of healing. The staff saved my life and the lives of my children. My case manager has taught me how to deal with the shame of living a life filled with trauma and massive mistakes. She has taught me how to live a vulnerable life while still protecting myself. She has taught me to believe in myself and know that I have worth, even when I make mistakes. My journey is far from over, I am not done healing, but without Harmony House, I wouldn’t be here at all. I could never thank them enough for giving me a safe place when I had nowhere to go or for showing me extreme kindness when I was broken and thought I didn’t deserve anything but misery.
If someone is ever in this situation, please know that there is help. Reach out, you deserve to live a beautiful life free from abuse. You deserve to live.
